ITS A NEW YEAR!! 2018!!!

Happy New Year!! I am sorry I am late! Things have been crazy busy and I just had a moment to sit down. I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday! I have a small announcement! I have had this tug at my heart to change my blog ideas and “Step Out In Faith”! We still are trying to conceive and I will not totally give up this platform! I just feel like by studying God’s word and growing closer to Him, everything will fall into place the way it needs to. This is very scary for me because I have never felt a calling before, this is how I know this is real. I don’t know where this will lead if it leads anywhere. Only God knows that! I feel like venting and being negative all the time about infertility is in itself unhealthy. I am not saying we all don’t have our days for tears and anger but I know myself and being depressed all the time about if I will or will not be a mother is eating my life away. In turn that is whyI have felt this calling for over the past few months I am just now accepting the call. We will see where God will lead us. Thank you all for taking the time to read and support.

 

Stella Nash

Back From Vacation!

Hello Y’all!! I am back fresh from vacation!! I went to NYC for the first time!! It was absolutely amazing!!! I feel refreshed and like myself again! Since my last entry I have decided to give this blog more attention and y’all more of my time. It really does help even if 1 person is reading this. Working full time, nursing full time, and just life is so exhausting. I just hope I can stick with it and write at least once a week if not more!! You’ve never been to NYC I suggest you go at least once! To stand next to huge buildings and the hustle, it put everything in prospective of how important it is to let the small things go and focus on yourself and family. Focusing on myself is one of my goals! I think the stress of trying to have a baby is driving me crazy and making me physically sick. I want to be a mother more than anything, I am not stepping away from the goal/dream, just readjusting how we get there.

Until Next Time,

Stella Nash

ITS BEEN AWHILE…..

Well I think it is has been too long since I have written.  Since my last entry there has no been no new news. Not pregnant, didn’t get pregnant, NOTHING. I had this bright idea to start writing a book about my infertile journey. Who will read that? It was semi therapeutic. I guess that is why I found myself back to my blog. I don’t want this journey any more to be negative and all down in the dumps. Even though we all know there are days when everything sucks. I swear I want to have as much fun with life as I can and live. I feel like I have gotten used to oh not pregnant so much I forget to live. My husband and I are both in school and my nursing program hasn’t even started yet but they told me pregnancy during the program will not work. So guess we will look back into children in 2019. Yup you read that right. 2019. My husband is so excited. At least in my mind I feel like he is celebrating. We haven’t had sex since February anyway. People always say well you’ve got to spice it up. It doesn’t matter what I do or what I say HE ISNT INTO SEX. Sex for pleasure or baby making I am on my own here. He wants a blood relationship so there goes the idea of adoption. My life has been a freaking mess. You haven’t missed much except a few agreements over when to have kids. I will be 34 and he will 44 in 2019. I know that is still “young” but seriously I wish you can feel my frustration. I know there will come a time when he says sorry I don’t want to have kids. I think he is there and won’t say anything. Those that know me having being a mother is NO SURPRISE. I asked him on the first date. YES! He was on board. It’s been 9 years of nothing. Fertility treatment after the next nothing works. IVF is the next step he won’t step out with me. I am completely at a loss for words. Anyway this is my rant for the evening getting you caught back up in my life.  Until next time

Stella Nash

IUI #4…..bust

Well I’ve been gone awhile and since then we did another IUI. To no surprise it did not work. I’m not trying to be a negative Nancy but geez this is getting ridiculous. Anyway we are going to try again even though I am not on board I’d like to move on to IVF. I have decided to go back to school to complete my nursing degree hopefully that will keep my mind busy. Until next time,

Stella Nash

Update

So Wednesday we went back to the fertility clinic and basically our reproductive endocrinologist said we need to move on to IVF. Of course my hubby is not too happy. It is an expensive undertaking but we have been trying for so long that I’m just ready to move on and try something else. I thought the appointment was really good because I made my mind up a while ago to do IVF but I’m sure my husband is still upset or hurt that we can’t get pregnant naturally. We have done IUIS with no results. I’m excited and nervous and scared to move on I’m not sure if we are going to move on. My husband assured me that we will be doing IVF but of course I want to do it today he wants to wait. So thanks to everyone who has encouraged us on here I will definitely be updating everyone as time goes on. Please continue to remember us in your thoughts and prayers and good vibes. I know that it’ll happen because my faith tells me that.  Until next time,
Stella Nash

Late Negative Test.

Late Negative blood work and pregnancy test. I feel like giving up. Doing this every month is so emotional and so hard. My faith is shaking.  I just can’t deal with another disappointing result.

Mentally Exhausted

I am over trying.  My body obviously hates me.  I swear the next person that tells me to relax and it will happen  I will Miss Piggy karate chop. I am trying to keep hope and faith that we will become pregnant but what if we don’t?  All that time wasted we could have been pursuing other options.  3 years of treatments 6 years total of trying and nothing.  I hate pregnancy announcements.  I really don’t have hate in my heart it just bothers me.  Clomid hates me.  IUI hates me.  What did I do to deserve this? 

Stella Nash

Day 21 results.

Well I am on round 4 of Clomid and I have noticed the last 2 cycles my Day 21 labs are low again like I am not even on Clomid. Anyway with round 2 my Day 21 was a 26 something I believe it is in on of my blogs. And now with Round 4 Day 21 is an 8.73….. WTF? What’s the point of my even taking it? I am completely heartbroken and mad and disappointed.  I wanted two pink lines for Christmas.  This will be year 3 of wishing the same thing for New Years. A baby. A chance at motherhood. 

Round 4

Sorry I have been gone for a minute. I just was tired of posting bad news. And I still am not pregnant. So we started round 4 of Clomid and they bumped me up to 50 mg. I was only taking 25 mg. Anyway hope everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving. Here comes Christmas as an unpregnant mom to be.

Round 3 of Clomid Hell

Well started round 3 yesterday. Geez I’m already over this. My husband got good and bad news today. Good news his sperm is moving good. Bad news quantity. He is starting Clomid as well. But then we had this conversation that turned into a complete disagreement. We are seeing a new fertility doctor Friday. He said now we can’t afford IVF. I said no one has that kind of money. I feel like he is giving up and now he doesn’t want this as much as me. I hope and pray that this gets better and he will get back on board. I hope he is just scared and unsure. I am scared as well but we need to be a team not fighting separate battles. Until next time,

Stella Nash