Back From Vacation!

Hello Y’all!! I am back fresh from vacation!! I went to NYC for the first time!! It was absolutely amazing!!! I feel refreshed and like myself again! Since my last entry I have decided to give this blog more attention and y’all more of my time. It really does help even if 1 person is reading this. Working full time, nursing full time, and just life is so exhausting. I just hope I can stick with it and write at least once a week if not more!! You’ve never been to NYC I suggest you go at least once! To stand next to huge buildings and the hustle, it put everything in prospective of how important it is to let the small things go and focus on yourself and family. Focusing on myself is one of my goals! I think the stress of trying to have a baby is driving me crazy and making me physically sick. I want to be a mother more than anything, I am not stepping away from the goal/dream, just readjusting how we get there.

Until Next Time,

Stella Nash

ITS BEEN AWHILE…..

Well I think it is has been too long since I have written.  Since my last entry there has no been no new news. Not pregnant, didn’t get pregnant, NOTHING. I had this bright idea to start writing a book about my infertile journey. Who will read that? It was semi therapeutic. I guess that is why I found myself back to my blog. I don’t want this journey any more to be negative and all down in the dumps. Even though we all know there are days when everything sucks. I swear I want to have as much fun with life as I can and live. I feel like I have gotten used to oh not pregnant so much I forget to live. My husband and I are both in school and my nursing program hasn’t even started yet but they told me pregnancy during the program will not work. So guess we will look back into children in 2019. Yup you read that right. 2019. My husband is so excited. At least in my mind I feel like he is celebrating. We haven’t had sex since February anyway. People always say well you’ve got to spice it up. It doesn’t matter what I do or what I say HE ISNT INTO SEX. Sex for pleasure or baby making I am on my own here. He wants a blood relationship so there goes the idea of adoption. My life has been a freaking mess. You haven’t missed much except a few agreements over when to have kids. I will be 34 and he will 44 in 2019. I know that is still “young” but seriously I wish you can feel my frustration. I know there will come a time when he says sorry I don’t want to have kids. I think he is there and won’t say anything. Those that know me having being a mother is NO SURPRISE. I asked him on the first date. YES! He was on board. It’s been 9 years of nothing. Fertility treatment after the next nothing works. IVF is the next step he won’t step out with me. I am completely at a loss for words. Anyway this is my rant for the evening getting you caught back up in my life.  Until next time

Stella Nash

IUI #4…..bust

Well I’ve been gone awhile and since then we did another IUI. To no surprise it did not work. I’m not trying to be a negative Nancy but geez this is getting ridiculous. Anyway we are going to try again even though I am not on board I’d like to move on to IVF. I have decided to go back to school to complete my nursing degree hopefully that will keep my mind busy. Until next time,

Stella Nash

Day 21 results.

Well I am on round 4 of Clomid and I have noticed the last 2 cycles my Day 21 labs are low again like I am not even on Clomid. Anyway with round 2 my Day 21 was a 26 something I believe it is in on of my blogs. And now with Round 4 Day 21 is an 8.73….. WTF? What’s the point of my even taking it? I am completely heartbroken and mad and disappointed.  I wanted two pink lines for Christmas.  This will be year 3 of wishing the same thing for New Years. A baby. A chance at motherhood. 

Round 4

Sorry I have been gone for a minute. I just was tired of posting bad news. And I still am not pregnant. So we started round 4 of Clomid and they bumped me up to 50 mg. I was only taking 25 mg. Anyway hope everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving. Here comes Christmas as an unpregnant mom to be.

Period.

Well this may be TMI but day 1 of my cycle started today!! I’m really happy. Only because I want to start my Clomid!!! I’m looking forward to this part of our journey. I’ve never wanted to get my day 1 cycle but this was the only time I was excited to see Aunt Flo!! Well so on Day 5 we start and of course I’ll let y’all know how it goes!!! Until next time,

Stella Nash

Broken

I’m so depressed today. I just feel like I need a good cry but the tears won’t come. I’m pretty sure I’ve been forgotten. The stork has passed me by. I  just don’t understand how can stable people like me and G not conceive? But complete crack headed, whores get pregnant?! I just don’t get it. Have I done something wrong and this is my karma? Its so frustrating to me. People don’t understand unless they’ve been through it. My friends tell me that my depression will disappear and I’ll be fine. G tells me to just not worry about it and quit being sad. I just can’t turn this off. It sucks and it hurts. I’m aching for something I feel will never happen. And today I just realized this and my heart is breaking. I feel just broken. Until next time,

Stella Nash

Helpful hints.

Calling all persons who read this. So I have wrote a little about the struggles me and my husband are having trying to conceive. But now I am feeling defeated. I feel like I’m loosing my husband and he is disinterested in everything me, our home, trying to make a baby. I was wondering if anyone or other couples trying to conceive have gone through this. What did y’all do to over come it? We have taken a 6 month break and I’m ready to start trying again but he’s not so much on board.  I don’t want to push him away and keep talking or harping about having a baby but I also don’t want us to waste and loose time. Until next time,

Stella Nash

The Struggle is Real.

For 2 years now me and my husband have been trying to conceive. So far no luck. We have done the natural way and we have done the fertility treatment way. I have prayed many nights for a baby and I know I have many prayer warriors who are still praying. Sometimes though it’s just a struggle. Babies seem to follow me everywhere. I have days where I just want to give up and call everyone and tell them hey just quit sending us your thoughts and prayers because we are done. I know that is just exactly when a miracle happens, when you are about to give up. Yeah I smile on the outside but inside I literally hurt and ache. I wish our baby would come. It even sucks when doctors tell you that you fall in the 5% unexplained infertility. Yay us! Not really yay. If I don’t have a little humor about this then I would likely be on medications and possibly locked away somewhere. I just am having one of those days today that I needed to express some thoughts and feelings.

Until Next Time,

Stella Nash