Hello Y’all!! I am back fresh from vacation!! I went to NYC for the first time!! It was absolutely amazing!!! I feel refreshed and like myself again! Since my last entry I have decided to give this blog more attention and y’all more of my time. It really does help even if 1 person is reading this. Working full time, nursing full time, and just life is so exhausting. I just hope I can stick with it and write at least once a week if not more!! You’ve never been to NYC I suggest you go at least once! To stand next to huge buildings and the hustle, it put everything in prospective of how important it is to let the small things go and focus on yourself and family. Focusing on myself is one of my goals! I think the stress of trying to have a baby is driving me crazy and making me physically sick. I want to be a mother more than anything, I am not stepping away from the goal/dream, just readjusting how we get there.
Well I think it is has been too long since I have written. Since my last entry there has no been no new news. Not pregnant, didn’t get pregnant, NOTHING. I had this bright idea to start writing a book about my infertile journey. Who will read that? It was semi therapeutic. I guess that is why I found myself back to my blog. I don’t want this journey any more to be negative and all down in the dumps. Even though we all know there are days when everything sucks. I swear I want to have as much fun with life as I can and live. I feel like I have gotten used to oh not pregnant so much I forget to live. My husband and I are both in school and my nursing program hasn’t even started yet but they told me pregnancy during the program will not work. So guess we will look back into children in 2019. Yup you read that right. 2019. My husband is so excited. At least in my mind I feel like he is celebrating. We haven’t had sex since February anyway. People always say well you’ve got to spice it up. It doesn’t matter what I do or what I say HE ISNT INTO SEX. Sex for pleasure or baby making I am on my own here. He wants a blood relationship so there goes the idea of adoption. My life has been a freaking mess. You haven’t missed much except a few agreements over when to have kids. I will be 34 and he will 44 in 2019. I know that is still “young” but seriously I wish you can feel my frustration. I know there will come a time when he says sorry I don’t want to have kids. I think he is there and won’t say anything. Those that know me having being a mother is NO SURPRISE. I asked him on the first date. YES! He was on board. It’s been 9 years of nothing. Fertility treatment after the next nothing works. IVF is the next step he won’t step out with me. I am completely at a loss for words. Anyway this is my rant for the evening getting you caught back up in my life. Until next time
Well I am on round 4 of Clomid and I have noticed the last 2 cycles my Day 21 labs are low again like I am not even on Clomid. Anyway with round 2 my Day 21 was a 26 something I believe it is in on of my blogs. And now with Round 4 Day 21 is an 8.73….. WTF? What’s the point of my even taking it? I am completely heartbroken and mad and disappointed. I wanted two pink lines for Christmas. This will be year 3 of wishing the same thing for New Years. A baby. A chance at motherhood.
Well started round 3 yesterday. Geez I’m already over this. My husband got good and bad news today. Good news his sperm is moving good. Bad news quantity. He is starting Clomid as well. But then we had this conversation that turned into a complete disagreement. We are seeing a new fertility doctor Friday. He said now we can’t afford IVF. I said no one has that kind of money. I feel like he is giving up and now he doesn’t want this as much as me. I hope and pray that this gets better and he will get back on board. I hope he is just scared and unsure. I am scared as well but we need to be a team not fighting separate battles. Until next time,
Omg. I’m so frustrated today. G went to go get his testosterone checked which is low but they can’t give him any treatments because we are doing fertility treatments. What the hell??? I’m so over bad news. I just want good news for a change. So Now back to square 1 again. FML ……..
So its rained the last 4 days here and I enjoy a good rain as I feel it cleanses the air and myself but 4 days…..I’m now off work today and depressed. I’m just reflecting on everything and damn it now I’m depressed and just sad. Today is my husband and my dads birthday. I lost my dad 4 years ago to a bee sting. Yeah a bee sting. I hate bees. Any kind. My dad was my rock and kept me going. He would be the big 50 today! Hard to believe he’s gone. And then my husband turned the big 40 today. God is he depressed. I feel bad because I’m trying to make it a good birthday despite the rain and his feelings. But so far he’s at work and feeling blue. He’s healthy and has friends and family that love him dearly and I just don’t know how to make him cheerful! Here’s to hoping everyone has a good July 4th weekend and safe holiday. While I’m over here trying to get my emotions and feelings in order!! Until next time,
Calling all persons who read this. So I have wrote a little about the struggles me and my husband are having trying to conceive. But now I am feeling defeated. I feel like I’m loosing my husband and he is disinterested in everything me, our home, trying to make a baby. I was wondering if anyone or other couples trying to conceive have gone through this. What did y’all do to over come it? We have taken a 6 month break and I’m ready to start trying again but he’s not so much on board. I don’t want to push him away and keep talking or harping about having a baby but I also don’t want us to waste and loose time. Until next time,