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32…

I turned 32 last week. Scared. Depressed. Mortified. Having no kids yet has definitely hit me hard last week. We have come to a halt on everything kid trying. It just sucks. And frankly pisses me. I have a friend who decided that her 32 was going to have 32 adventures . I support it and I am jealous. How can I let go and not worry about all the shit around me to have 32 adventures? I thought by now we would have said kids doing the parenting part of life. Now I’ve decided I’m writing a book about infertility. Why? Is it so I can rehash the pain and desperation while I type every single word? 32 I hope for a better year. Maybe I can talk my friend into joining her 32 adventures maybe I do my own! I’m hoping by starting over and reinventing myself, like most celebrities, it will just happen. I’m hoping for more sunshine and less depressing posts. Until next time.

Stella Nash

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Back From Vacation!

Hello Y’all!! I am back fresh from vacation!! I went to NYC for the first time!! It was absolutely amazing!!! I feel refreshed and like myself again! Since my last entry I have decided to give this blog more attention and y’all more of my time. It really does help even if 1 person is reading this. Working full time, nursing full time, and just life is so exhausting. I just hope I can stick with it and write at least once a week if not more!! You’ve never been to NYC I suggest you go at least once! To stand next to huge buildings and the hustle, it put everything in prospective of how important it is to let the small things go and focus on yourself and family. Focusing on myself is one of my goals! I think the stress of trying to have a baby is driving me crazy and making me physically sick. I want to be a mother more than anything, I am not stepping away from the goal/dream, just readjusting how we get there.

Until Next Time,

Stella Nash

ITS BEEN AWHILE…..

Well I think it is has been too long since I have written. ¬†Since my last entry there has no been no new news. Not pregnant, didn’t get pregnant, NOTHING. I had this bright idea to start writing a book about my infertile journey. Who will read that? It was semi therapeutic. I guess that is why I found myself back to my blog. I don’t want this journey any more to be negative and all down in the dumps. Even though we all know there are days when everything sucks. I swear I want to have as much fun with life as I can and live. I feel like I have gotten used to oh not pregnant so much I forget to live. My husband and I are both in school and my nursing program hasn’t even started yet but they told me pregnancy during the program will not work. So guess we will look back into children in 2019. Yup you read that right. 2019. My husband is so excited. At least in my mind I feel like he is celebrating. We haven’t had sex since February anyway. People always say well you’ve got to spice it up. It doesn’t matter what I do or what I say HE ISNT INTO SEX. Sex for pleasure or baby making I am on my own here. He wants a blood relationship so there goes the idea of adoption. My life has been a freaking mess. You haven’t missed much except a few agreements over when to have kids. I will be 34 and he will 44 in 2019. I know that is still “young” but seriously I wish you can feel my frustration. I know there will come a time when he says sorry I don’t want to have kids. I think he is there and won’t say anything. Those that know me having being a mother is NO SURPRISE. I asked him on the first date. YES! He was on board. It’s been 9 years of nothing. Fertility treatment after the next nothing works. IVF is the next step he won’t step out with me. I am completely at a loss for words. Anyway this is my rant for the evening getting you caught back up in my life. ¬†Until next time

Stella Nash

I’m Back

I have been gone since February. We needed a break! We decided to do a couple of IUIs before moving onto IVF. Of course, its been negative so far. Well if anyone still care I’m still here.

Stella Nash

FML

So I broke down and took  a pregnancy test because I couldn’t wait 5 more days. Guess what? Negative…. Of course. I’m just so over it. I’m aware its probably a tad early to test but this is getting ridiculous. Well that’s my fun Sunday. Hope everyone else is having a better day. Until next time,

Stella Nash

Mad as Hell

I am so hurt right now. I found out I didn’t get the job I was waiting to hear about. Do you guys remember several posts ago I mentioned a “friend” of mine told me we shouldn’t adopt. Anyway we had a big falling out because I called her on the hurtful things she said. Her husband is the one who gave me the interview. I only met in 1 time. I knew his name though. I know today that when I received the email telling me he went with someone else I knew it was a personal decision not a business decision. I’m so angry and upset. I guess it wasn’t meant for me to work under him but what kind of man bases his decision for a company on something his wife said about me? You are no man you are a coward and a little bitch. Stay out of women business. She doesn’t even work there. Until next time,

Stella Nash

Disney Movies Always Get Me

I’m watching Toy Story 3 and I always cry!!! I know how its going to end! Disney movies always make me cry!!! Especially recently my emotions are running high! I just keep think one day will take my children to Disney and share with them all these movies I grew up with. But I’m starting to doubt it will happen. Its hard to keep the faith sometimes but I do just keep pressing on and hoping. Its all I have. To infinity and beyond,

Stella Nash